Walk In The Light

I had another word from God today.

But I should probably explain a few things first, for the sake of context.

For the past month and a half, I've been wrestling with a very challenging decision I have to make regarding a trip that I may or may not take. I had already made the decision, but in the aftermath of making a number of errors and misjudgments in a separate situation, there were those who felt I should re-evaluate my choice and not take the trip. The situation where I erred, those errors have since been corrected, and I stand wiser for having the experience. Nevertheless, this decision still had yet to be re-decided.

Meanwhile, half a month ago, I had a birthday. And on this birthday, I took up a new hobby, stand up paddle-boarding.

So.

I was in the agony of feeling like I knew what the right decision was, but feeling like I lacked the logical grounds to back it up. And I felt like I needed more logical grounds to back it up, because even though I've given this decision totally to Abba to lead where he will, the leading that I felt was technically what I had originally decided from the get-go. But I was frozen in fear, not willing to take action, because in the aftermath of the other situation, I was afraid I was still letting my own feelings into my mind and not God's leading.

Here's the thing. Fear is a really powerful but irrational thing. I had already made this decision nearly a full year ago and had decided on taking the trip. I had already budgeted and paid for the trip. And at no point did I ever even get the slightest inkling that God was telling me to abstain. And even in the aftermath of my errors, never did I get the urge that canceling the trip was the right thing to do.

But still, as I said, I was scared that I was letting my own feelings and emotions lead even though I was trying to sacrifice them. I was scared of the people who suggested that I change my plans, scared that they might try to use my past choices to bring additional and unwarranted condemnation on me, even though they have no reason to do so, and for that matter, they are family-in-Christ. As I said, fear is powerful but irrational.

Now we get to the actual story.

Last night, I found a song I've never heard, "Kinda Wild" by JUDAH and Ellie Holcomb.

Are you singing
Cause I love your melodies
Are you dancing
Wrapping your arms around me
Are you laughing
Cause I like to make you smile
Is it just a whisper
Cause that tends to be your style

Are you screaming
This love with you it can be kinda wild 

So come and change my focus
I don’t notice where you’re going near enough
Come and change my focus
Help us know what you’ve been doing over us 

Are you moving
Like the wind blows through the trees
Maybe all your asking
Is just to slow it down and breathe
I’ve been chasing a something I can’t see
When I keep waiting, all this time you’ve been here right beside me 

Are you calling me outta my mind
Outta my mind
Now the roof’s off
We expand like desire, deep and we’re wired
Are you calling me outta my mind
Outta my mind Your love,
Your love is Kinda wild

It hit home pretty hard. I've been feeling like God has been trying to communicate, but I didn't know if hew was screaming or just whispering.

Agonizing that I didn't know what to do, and ready to just throw in the towel for the sake of avoiding human conflict, I paddled for six miles, over the course of around three hours, just singing and talking to Abba and really trying to be still and just rest and abide in his presence. Because naturally enough, I knew my focus was off. And when that happens, the best thing to do is slow down and breathe.

Abba, come and change my focus. Help me notice and know what you've been doing.

But I wasn't really getting anything, and it was getting late, so I headed back for the boat launch, concerned whether there was enough daylight to make it off the water or if I'd be sailing by headlamp.

That's when I heard the whisper. Sure enough, it has been his style lately.

Go and walk in the light even as I am the light.

Out of curiosity, I looked up the exact reference when I got home.

1 John:
That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we looked upon and have touched with our hands, concerning the word of life—the life was made manifest, and we have seen it, and testify to it and proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and was made manifest to us—that which we have seen and heard we proclaim also to you, so that you too may have fellowship with us; and indeed our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son Jesus Christ. And we are writing these things so that our joy may be complete.

This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.

Things started clicking in my head. for a few years now, I have been trying to walk in and reflect God's light, even like the moon reflects the sun. Not to say I'm an expert at it, but merely that I put conscious effort into it. But in the recent incident where I made my errors, everything that I did wrong in that situation, everything that others think I did wrong, it all boils down to one sin.

I let myself lose sight of the light and I tried to be the light. But that didn't go well at all. But having repented of losing my vision and letting myself walk down a road of bad choices, Abba made his forgiveness and cleansing clear enough, in my older post, "Trusting Abba".

Now, I have a job to finish. To go and diligently imitate Christ, to live in goodness, righteousness, and truth. To speak in Psalms and spiritual songs. To thank Abba for everything. And to reflect the son.