Pleasures of Love

 

Scrolling Facebook for hours is not mentally healthy by any stretch of the imagination. I try to do it very little.

But every once in a while, some worthy tidbit of wisdom comes through my feed. And today, this is what I saw:

"Paradoxically, it is friendship that often offers us the real route to the pleasures that Romanticism associates with love. That this sounds surprising is only a reflection of how underdeveloped our day-to-day vision of friendship has become. We associate it with a casual acquaintance we see only once in a while to exchange inconsequential and shallow banter. But real friendship is something altogether more profound and worthy of exultation. It is an arena in which two people can get a sense of each other’s vulnerabilities, appreciate each other’s follies without recrimination, reassure each other as to their value, and greet the sorrows and tragedies of existence with wit and warmth. Culturally and collectively, we have made a momentous mistake which has left us both lonelier and more disappointed than we ever needed to be. In a better world, our most serious goal would be not to locate one special lover with whom to replace all other humans but to put our intelligence and energy into identifying and nurturing a circle of true friends."

 

Think about this for a moment. Think about the bond between David and Jonathan. Think about the bond between Esther and Mordecai. Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, Azariah. Jesus didn't look for a lover, he surrounded himself with friends. The disciples, Mary/Martha/Lazarus, Mary Magdalene, and many others. Paul told Timothy that to the younger men and women in the church, he was to be as a brother. To the older men and women,. he was to be as a son.

And we see further evidence of this in Paul's life. Many of his letters make mention of various friends and confidantes, and in 1 Corinthians, he says that it is good for the unmarried (who can control themselves and not burn with passion) to remain unmarried.

Certainly, as Paul further says, marrying is not sin. The love between a husband and wife, Eros, is an extra special kind of love that stands in the gap between Philea and Agape, and there is something extra special and desirable about that deeper intimacy of two lovers. But our friend circles ought to have almost as much intimacy. Both Eros and Philea need a certain level of Storge to go hand in hand with them. And that is something our culture is lacking. So many people burn with lust and passion, and then the ones that don't get called out for acting inappropriate when they try to find their circle of platonic but intimate friends. Their siblings-at-arms.

Really, such friendships ought to be normal. Casual, occasional, shallow acquaintances serve little to no purpose in a person's life. There's no growth, no comfort and support, no challenging, and the iron fails to sharpen iron. Let's revive the intimacy of a close-knit friend circle.

Haters are gonna hate. People are going to make judgements about the appearance of evil. Intimate friendships that are homogeneous are apt to be labeled unholy even without the slightest bit of romantics or burning passions. Intimate friendships may occasionally spawn across the genders. This, too, is apt to be labeled and frowned upon. Cuz the thing is, Philea and Eros are radically different, but when both have a level of Storge, they can look outwardly much more similar.

Both Philea and Eros are given to hugs. Both are apt to complement one's appearance. Both enjoy spending time simply being with their favorite people. Both tend to try and be emotionally present

But despite some similarities in appearance, the reality is that there are many differences, including one very big dividing line. Philea acts in absolute purity, avoiding doing anything that objectively crosses the line into the absolute intimacy of the bed. A man joining to his wife and them becoming one flesh comes only from Eros. It is an extremely exclusive love when dealt with in a proper and healthy way.

If you find yourself unable or unwilling to control your passions, find a special lover and become one. But if you don't burn with this passion, don't surrender yourself to isolation and casual acquaintances. Look for a friend circle with whom you can get a sense of each other’s vulnerabilities, appreciate each other’s follies without recrimination, reassure each other as to their value, and greet the sorrows and tragedies of existence with wit and warmth.

 But what, then, does a healthy marital relationship look like? For certainly, singleness is not something everyone is called to. When a man and woman choose to be each others' helpmeet, is that what eros is?

Well, no.

Eros by itself can lead to sexual lust. Eros by itself leads to the "burning with passion" Paul warned of.

So what about Philea? It seems fairly intimate.

Yes, but not intimate enough.

Marriage is a complicated matter, not defined by one singular word.

It starts with Agape, that love of Christ which is altruistic, faithful, and unconditional. A love which Christ first showed to us while we were yet sinners. A love we ought to show towards everyone, even our enemies.

But along the course of life, some people will become close. You will come to trust them and intimately know and love them, like David and Jonathan, like Esther and Mordecai, like Daniel and his friends, like Jesus and his disciples, like Mary, Martha, and Lazurus. This is Philea. Choosing someone to be your brother or your sister. As intimate as kin, yet in all purity.

Somewhere along the way, you may find yourself specifically drawn to some of these friends whom you have known with Philea love. You may find a strong sense of pragma, that word from which we get "pragmatic". You may find that you complement each others strengths and weaknesses. You work well together. You are good for each other in a practical sense.

At some point, two people may start to think that perhaps there is a pull to something even deeper, even more intimate. How this process takes place may differ in different situations. It requires prayer. It requires open and honest conversations with each other and with wise council. But it may be determined that there is a spark of Eros beginning to come to life.

And, if Eros does come to life and a married relationship is pursued, storge is essential, that compassionate and caring love. That steady and committed love.

I've talked to a number of married people. Many of them agreed that this is the way to do it. The way that they would have done it if they could go back and start over. Choosing early not to give into lustful thinking, not to fall in love over looks, not to give into temporary flings. Rather, developing a deep sibling-like friendship and trust and allowing Eros to grow slowly and naturally, if it is inclined to appear at all.

Now, as I said, Eros by itself can lead to sexual lust. However, it in itself is not this alone. It does encapsulate the sexual within it, but in the larger picture, Eros is more a passionate zeal for living, for experiencing, for absolute and total intimacy of the heart, mind, and soul, beyond what philea has to offer. For most (tho not all) people, this last bit entails a passion for creating. For beginning new life through procreation.

Starting a friendship with the lusts and cravings of Eros-level intimacy is not healthy. Living a married life on Philea alone is not an exclusive enough intimacy. Marriage properly requires a balance of all the types of love.

So to summarize: If you don't have someone to love with Eros, learn to grow in Agape and Philea. We are a people created for community. And since heaven has no marriage, you will be spending eternity as though everyone is siblings. You might as well get used to it and enjoy the mortal side of it while waiting for the eternal to be revealed.

But if you have found your Eros, make certain that the relationship is firstly built on philea and agape so as to steer away from unhealthy lustful burning. But upon this foundation, love fiercely. Feel deeply. Know intimately. For you are the earthly imitation of Christ's marriage to the church, his bride.